This London is too small.

The topic of dating in London within the black community is one that frequents ‘black Twitter’. At times the conversations are mind-numbing, sometimes taking up a good part of our scrolls during the day once the masses get fired up during the debates, with multiple people repeating the same thing in different fonts. Even more comical is that some people tend to forget that Twitter merely a bubble and we absolutely should refrain from taking the advice of ‘mutuals’ (in this context, people we have only interacted with online and at times, have yet to meet in person) ergo strangers — or at the very least, take each hot take with a pinch of salt. Throughout this article, I will reference informal phrases and ‘slangs’ used online. There is a glossary at the end of this article defining the meaning of some of these terms.

With that said, here I am with an article on dating and more specifically, dating black. Too often have we heard that “London is too small” when ‘gisting’ with friends about our love lives. From my observations, people say this once they realise that we are no longer six mutual friends away from knowing someone, this has now been trickled down to three people — if that. Because what do you mean the guy I met out and about follows a family member, a friend I went to university with and someone that I used to date? I have come to understand that some people find comfort in having ‘mutuals’ with the person they are dating because it can aid their CRB checks. I say all this to say that the dating pool in London is contaminated. I find that more people are asking themselves “can you truly avoid dating your friend’s exes?” due to blaming the size of the pool. The answer to that by the way is yes you can avoid it, you are just being lazy.

This brings me to my next point on how the common rationale behind dating friends of friends absolves people of accountability. This rationale being that the city simply is too small and that you are always going to know somebody, who knows somebody, who knows somebody making it inevitable to cross paths with people your friends have had a history with. Alas, we cannot ignore the root cause to all this — ‘talking stages’ and ‘situationships’. In an ideal world, if you are monogamous, that is, everyone would find their person without having to endure terrible dating experiences, and call it a day. Personally, I despise the concept of kissing multiple frogs before finding your prince. Of course, this is the real world and to the point of this article, this is dating black. There are many layers to dating in London as a black person. It goes without saying that some of the factors I speak of in this article are not solely limited to the black dating experience but it is what I can speak on because that is what I have personally experienced.

Now, back to the layers. The dating pool and essentially, London is only as small as our self-discipline. For example, someone that makes it a habit to become romantically involved with an entire friendship group or multiple friends of friends is not someone who knows how to control their desires, thereby lacking in self-discipline. For all the doing things ‘for the plot’ and ‘chaos’ of our 20s, it all boils down to discipline, respect and consideration of others. The latter is another factor that absolves people of accountability with some people choosing to be obtuse and arguing that they “do not owe anyone anything”. Equally, applying discernment is key to the point I am making, because there are some people who misuse the principles of ‘girl code’ and may apply it to someone that they only met once and followed on social media off the back of that first meet.

I would challenge, if London is so small, then why do people date at such a rapid speed? Gone are the days when a romance, even if it was a whirlwind one, would last several months. Now, you are lucky if it lasts a couple weeks. There are no two elements to modern dating that I despise more than ‘talking stages’ and ‘situationships’. Thanks to Twitter and the countless [unsolicited] opinions the app exposes me to, I have learnt that people have illogical requirements to how long a ‘talking stage’ should last and this has only fuelled my dislike for these elements. Ideologies on dating have been posed online as one-size-fits-all. Rather than offering alternative perspectives they are positioned as a set of rules for everyone to follow, a tone I find to be quite damaging especially to those who may not use their initiative and take these hot takes with a pinch of salt. Needless to say, I digress.

Not only do the rules that centre talking stages and situationships provide limitations to the parameters of dating, they also invite an increased disposability of people, which in turn sees a quick turnover in people’s dating experiences. And once again, this invites a lack of accountability to the black dating experience because there is a lack of care to how each person we become romantically involved with is treated. I am not suggesting that the no-nonsense approach to dating that a lot of us have adopted is an issue, because red flags should never be ignored and honestly, it is inauthentic to forge a connection that simply is not there. No, I am talking about the carelessness that is invoked when people abuse the original principles of ‘talking stages’ (which, by my understanding, was supposed to be an opportunity for people to get to know each other whilst dating). It is careless to drag out a ‘talking stage’ for the better part of a year and string someone who has now become emotionally invested in you along, knowing that you do not want to commit to them properly. It is careless to reap all the benefits of a boyfriend/girlfriend status knowing what your true intentions are. It is careless to do this to multiple people in a row because you know you are emotionally unavailable (or maybe, you are not aware of this fact yet because you are yet to do the introspective work required to know this). People are not disposable and it is careless and selfish to go around the city treating them as such. More importantly, the onus is on us as a society not to normalise these patterns.

Needless to say, this has been bastardised.

Whilst I personally believe in dating whilst young, and not putting all your eggs in one basket because especially as a woman, this does not serve us (whether you agree or not, this is evidenced in erotic capital too), there are levels to this. Once again, discernment is key. Without this, you might just misinterpret the points of this article. To argue that London is small because you intentionally date or become romantically/sexually involved with people who know each other is indolent. We have to take accountability at some point and understand that disrupting dynamics between multiple friends is simply careless, selfish and inconsiderate — especially when you know deep down that the end goal is not a committed relationship. Now, you have shifted the dynamics of an entire friendship group and emotionally traumatised multiple individuals for what? The plot?

Equally, those who find that they are regularly on the receiving end of disposability when dating must take accountability too. Pause and interrogate what the consequences of putting yourself at the mercy of people abusing [what may be deemed as] your desperation may mean. What does it mean to put all your eggs in one basket? To put all your eggs in multiple baskets? When doing the latter, do you find yourself spread thin from trying to distribute equal amounts of affection to everyone you date? Perhaps one of the contributing factors to why ‘this London is small’ is the over saturation of talking stages. Perhaps the quality of the dating experience may improve if we were not so quick to jump from relationship to relationship (be that a ‘talking stage’ or ‘situationship’) with no consequences.

Of course, this behaviour is not limited to the black dating experience. As a Made in Chelsea fan, I have grown up watching the show and seen how this rationale behind dating in this ‘small’ city has impacted friendship groups and quite literally given some individuals PTSD. And if you have watched the show for years like myself, you will notice that the cast is predominantly white. If anything, Made in Chelsea is quintessential of the black dating experience today — though I will say a key difference is that their ‘talking stages’ do not last as long as that of the black community in London because they are more prone to commitment.

Another issue worth highlighting is the many contradictions that come with dating. For one, too many times have I observed in online discussions and during discussions with friends a hesitance to admit that one wants a relationship. The connotations that come with admitting this are negative and it would be dishonest to say otherwise. I would even go as far as to say that there is some shame attached to this, especially as women, we are encouraged to be independent, speak up for ourselves and walk away when connections no longer serve us — as we should! Expecting someone to fill the hole that is within you is expecting too much of any one person (quite frankly, this our own responsibility, not that of our friends or partners). It seems as though many people believe that admitting you want a “great big love” or even a relationship is you absolving yourself of all the positive self sufficient traits that we are encouraged to have. However, this shouldn’t be the case, the two can and should coexist and if anything, it is healthy for them to. The fact of the matter is, love is all around. To berate or attempt to shame people for wanting a relationship is to encourage dating without a purpose.

I think the real issue is that we have spiralled too far off track as a community when it comes to dating. Those who collect talking stages like bitcoins, rather than indulging in genuine dating experiences mimic the actions of someone who seeks love. Equally, they may be the same people who shame their partners for demanding more of them (because they believe talking to someone and reaping all the benefits of a genuine relationship with no commitment labels for over half of the year is normal and more than enough). Whilst what they may be expressing verbally (pushing for their love interests to settle and shaming them for demanding more) and through their actions (jumping from relationship to relationship) are not aligned, the latter suggests that deep down they are scared to be alone, hence the serial dating or shall I say, inconsideration when dating.

Dating black is not all negative and if that is what you have taken from this article then I have failed here. Social media allows us to see the beauty in the results of a ‘talking stage’ turned ‘situationship’ turned committed relationship and at times, this has resulted in engagements of total strangers and/or people we know in real life.

I recognise the desire for love but internal battle that people face in their openly displayed happiness of engagement posts on social media. Their ‘God when?’ tweets and comments underneath these posts suggest that they would like the same result, which is to end up in a committed relationship. Yet their behaviour in their personal lives specifically when it comes to dating suggests that they are emotionally unavailable and refuse to do the work required to strengthen a romantic bond. Please note that here, emotional availability applies to people who jump from relationship to relationship regardless of whether they are the one doing the hurting or being hurt repeatedly.

We should all strive to date intentionally and with care. Intentionally because surrounding yourself with people that bring out the best in you should serve as a reminder that it is important to have your goodness reflected back to you. With care because, for all the advice and consolations on the healthiness of not putting all your eggs in one basket, it is just as inconsiderate to string multiple people along with no changed behaviour after each new love interest. The two because love requires intentionality and care, and it is our own individual responsibility to take ownership of these aspects; responsibility is freedom. Do you not want to be free?

Glossary

Gisting — to engage in gossip.

Mutuals — either a follower in common with other people you follow or someone you follow that you may or may not have met in real life.

Talking stage — in modern dating, this is the period between meeting someone and actually dating them.

Situationships — a noncommittal romantic or sexual relationship.

Girl code — pertains to the principles of being a woman (in relation to dating) as set out either by societal expectations or are conditional to individual relationships